Chapter 4: Bitch, Bitch, Bitch
The collective town gasp turned to low murmurs until Granny blurted out: “I don’t like that kind of language hanging over the skies of this town, goddammit!”
“Oh, Henry,” Mary Margaret attempted to shield his eyes. “Don’t look!”
“Mom,” Henry protested to Emma. “Please tell them I grew up in New York City. No one needs to protect me from stuff. All it says is Surrender Bitch! What’s the big deal?”
As the words Surrender Bitch wafted over the assembled crowd, eyes began to turn towards Regina.
“Why’s everyone looking at me?” she complained.
“You do fit the bill, darlin’,” Hook shrugged.
“Yeah, whadja’ do to her anyway?” Leroy joined in.
“Regina,” David stated, “I think you have some explaining to do.”
“I object,” Emma spoke up.
“Thank you, Emma,” Regina nodded.
“Oh, um, I just meant that the word bitch is a derogatory term for a woman. I object to sexist terminology being scrawled across the sky.”
She turned and muttered to Regina, “I mean, she probably does mean you, right?”
Regina smiled her most intimidating smile.
“That’s right! I’m a strong, powerful woman,” she announced for all to hear. “Call me a bitch! I claim it! But there is no evidence that I’m the bitch she’s referring to.”
Her toned changed as she smiled sweetly at Emma.
“After all, I’m not the only strong, powerful woman in town.”
“As much as I hate to agree with the bitch…” Dr. Whale began. B
oth Regina and Emma cut him off immediately.
“Hey!” they shouted in unison.
“You better watch it, you Frankenweeny wannabe,” Regina glared at him menacingly. “”That’s Madame Bitch, to you!”
“I only meant to say,” Whale continued in a nervous voice, “that if there is a Kansas connection here, I believe there is only one of us who could’ve traveled there.”
“You mean me?” Emma stammered incredulously. “
I do believe Dorothy had an Auntie Em,” Whale lifted his eyebrows in a superior manner.
“She crossed out the name Dorothy,” Mary Margaret defended Emma, ”and my daughter is not a bitch!”
“I am the only one here who can prove my whereabouts in this world. They actually gave me a birth certificate after they found me in that cradle, um stump, um magic tree thingee,” Emma rolled her eyes and exhaled. “Do any of you have a birth certificate?”
The citizens of Storybrooke looked down and shuffled their feet.
“No. Um no. Not me. Me neither,” came muffled voices.
“At least I can remember what I’ve been doing for the last year!” she continued.
“Not sure you want to go there,” Regina interrupted as she pantomimed eating a banana.
“I’ve still got that flyswatter!” Emma threatened.
“Oooh,” Regina lifted a brow seductively, “Later?”
Emma ignored her as she resumed her tirade: “Can anyone else remember last year? Anyone?!”
“No. Um no. Not me. Me neither.”
“Mom?” Henry questioned. “What are you talking about?”
“Not now, Henry!” she cut him off.
“None of you even know what you have been doing for oh, the last 365 days, or so. For all we know, the bitch could be anyone one of you!”
“Granny’s been bitchy to me before,” Leroy grumbled.
“Tinkerbelle, here, can be a bit of a bitch, as well,” Hook nodded at the fairy. “I mean, for a looker!” He winked at her.
“You’re the only bitch I see,” Tinkerbelle shot back at him.
“I’m pretty sure I’ve never been a bitch to anyone,” Belle offered thoughtfully.
“I’m not sure I know what a bitch is,” Ariel murmured.
Suddenly, a voice boomed from the sky: “Idiots!” the witch screamed. “Regina is The Bitch!”
Unfortunately, she had become so distracted, that she became entangled with some high tension wires, was jolted off her stick in shower of sparks, bounced off a roof top and landed in some bushes with a series of “oofs” and “ouches” accompanying her fall. Her broom crashed down on top of her a moment later. A thin trail of smoke could be seen emanating from the bushes as a reedy voice called out: “What a world, what a world…”
Regina glanced at Emma. “Let’s get her!”
Both women ran to the bushes with the townsfolk closely behind. Emma pulled Zelena up by her collar and forced her against a building wall with a forearm to the neck.
“David!” Mary Margaret gasped. “She looks just like Zelena, our midwife!”
David peered closely at the face struggling for breath against Emma’s powerful forearm.
“She is Zelena!”
“Not an expert on Freudian Psychology, mind you,” Killian whispered to David, “but you hired the Wicked Witch to watch over your wife and unborn baby?”
David gave him a menacing glare.
The witch was somewhat discombobulated from her shocking fall. The occasional spark still lit up her hair.
“We’ll see who’s the bitch now!” Emma sneered at her.
“Stay out of this, blondie. This is between me and Regina!” she coughed.
“What do you want from me?” Regina asked.
“Nothing you’ll miss, dear. I only need your heart!”
As Zelena began to reach for Regina’s chest, Emma grabbed her wrist.
“Too late,” Regina breathed deeply as she looked at Emma. “Someone’s already got that.”
Emma returned her tender gaze.
“Aw,” she cooed as she turned to her. “That’s so sweet. You mean that?”
She inadvertently loosened her grip on the witch. Zelena took advantage of the momentary reprieve, waved her arm and disappeared into a cloud of green smoke, cackling madly as she did so. Emma was left grasping at air.
“Shit.”
__________
The townsfolk regrouped at city hall.
“So, there’s a Wicked Witch in town,” Leroy nodded.
“How observant of you,” Regina smirked.
“Yeah,” Leroy became angry, “well you and Emma were supposed to protect us from this.”
“We did protect you, moron. What were you looking at?”
“If you two had your eyes on her instead of each other,” he complained, “she wouldn’t have gotten away!”
“Hey,” Emma called out as she moved to Regina’s side. “That’s not fair!”
“Mom?” Henry interjected. “Can I go fishing now?”
“Um, what?” Emma was confused. “No.”
“I think we all need to calm down here,” Mary Margaret restored order. “Emma and Regina have been working on a way to break the new curse, as we all know.”
“What do you mean by as we all know?” Emma eyes grew wide as she stared at her mother.
“I thought that you and Regina, using your magic together, would give us our best chance at figuring this situation out. The townsfolk agreed,” Mary Margaret explained.
“Finally… an intelligent decision from you nitwits,” Regina stated smugly.
“Fat lot of good it did us!” Granny yelled.
“I have seen them, um, collaborating together,” Archie informed.
“Yeah, but we still have a Wicked Witch threatening our town,” Ariel spoke up meekly. “I’m afraid of Wicked Witches!”
As the townsfolk debated, Emma pulled Regina away from the crowd for a private chat.
“So? Did you mean what you said before?” she queried.
“About my heart being taken?”
“Yeah, that,” Emma blushed.
“Yes,” Regina nodded. “I gave it to Robin Hood to keep for me this morning.”
“You what?!” Emma whisper-yelled at her. “Why in the hell did you do that?!”
“It’s the perfect plan,” Regina tried to shush her.
"Think about it. He lives with those strange men in a dingy hovel at the edge of town. He has no known connection to me. No one would ever suspect I would hide my heart there!"
"But why, Regina? Giving your heart to a guy you met yesterday is so completely out of character for you!"
"I figured if there were flying monkeys," she rolled her eyes reproachfully at Emma, "there had to be a Wicked Witch. I was taught to never take my heart into a witch-fight!"
"That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" Emma complained.
She dragged Regina further away from the crowd.
"Are you insane?" she practically jumped out of her skin. Emma was incredulous.
She paused before asking: "When did you do this?"
“After our magic lesson by the river this morning,” Regina replied. “Why?”
“Just wanted to make sure that what happened between us came from the heart.” Emma looked downcast as she shoved her hands into her pockets.
“Love doesn’t come from the heart, Emma. It comes from the mind and the soul.”
“It comes from the heart, too, Regina!” Emma was suddenly livid. “Is that why he was shooting arrows at you all day? Your true love?”
“Quit being ridiculous. I couldn’t give my heart to you. You’re always with me in a fight. Plus, I didn’t want to put you in harm’s way any more than I already have.”
She reached over and gently tugged at Emma’s jacket sleeve.
“You have my heart in everyway that matters.”
Emma eyed her skeptically as she shook her head.
“In everyway that matters… huh? Meanwhile, your real heart is in a rundown hovel at the edge of town being guarded by a complete stranger and a bunch of guys he calls his Merry Men!”
__________
Laughter and cheers could be heard emanating from a rundown hovel at the edge of town.
“That was a jolly good game of Dip the Arrow!” Will Scarlet winked at Robin. “What should we do now?”
“I think we should watch the town meeting on Storybrooke T.V.” Friar Tuck said. “We need to keep up on local events after what happened in the town square today.”
“Oh, that reminds me,” Robin declared jauntily. “Regina gave me her heart this morning. I think she rather fancies me!”
“Oh no. Really, Robin?” Will pouted.
“You weren’t stalking her again, were you?” Friar Tuck admonished.
“Let’s see it!” Alan a Dale chimed in.
Robin produced the heart from under his cloak. A collective “Ooooh!” filled the room.
“She wants me to keep it safe from the Wicked Witch,” Robin informed proudly.
“I’ve heard you can make people do things if you have their heart,” Much the Miller’s Son offered excitedly.
“What sort of things?” Robin was curious.
“I dunno’, like say things and such,” Much shrugged.
“Oh, what fun!” Will called out. “Do turn on the telly good Friar.”
“I just want to point out that this is highly unethical,” Tuck intoned as he pressed power on the T.V. remote.
__________
“Regina? Emma, honey… would you care to rejoin us?” Mary Margaret asked sweetly.
The two women sauntered back to the rest of the crowd.
“We need to make a plan,” David said.
“Any ideas, Madame Mayor? After all, she seems to be after you,” Dr. Whale smirked.
“Who’s into Whale, here?” Regina blurted out. “Cause you can go hump back at my house! Are you circumcised, Whale? I can hire four skin divers! Did you get your name ‘cause you look like a sperm, Whale?”
Regina looked mortified as she quickly threw her hands over her mouth.
“How dare you!” Whale was indignant.
The Merry Men howled with laughter as they watched on T.V. back in their hovel.
“That was a good one, Much,” Alan cackled. “Let me try!”
Much handed Regina’s heart to Alan.
“Regina!” Mary Margaret exclaimed. “What’s gotten into you!”
“I, I don’t know,” Regina stammered. “Dr. Whale, I’m so sorry.”
“Let’s get back to the business at hand,” David shook his head.
“I think we should go to Zelena’s house!”
“Kitty, kitty,” Regina called. “Has anyone seen my furry, little pussy? I do love it so!”
“Regina!” David, Emma and Mary Margaret shouted.
Regina stood with her mouth agape as she peered helplessly at them.
The Merry Men laughed even harder.
“This is too fun!” Will wiped tears from his eyes. “My turn!”
“What’s wrong with you?” Emma looked at Regina with concern.
“I want your pussy,” Regina announced. “I want your blonde, furry pussy. I want to pet it and hold it and kiss it and lick the love juices off your hot, throbbing pussy! Meow!”
As the Merry Men doubled over with laughter, the townsfolk sat in utter shock.
Ruby shook her head and murmured: “Like that’s a newsflash.”
“Did you set the DVR at home to record this?” Granny whispered to her. “This is getting good.”
“You know I did,” Ruby whispered back as they both tried not to smile.
“Ariel, can you take Henry fishing?” Emma requested urgently.
“No, Mom!” Henry complained. “This is just getting exciting! Why is Regina so interested in cats all of a sudden?”
“I’d be glad to,” Ariel replied as she ushered Henry out of the hall. “I love the salty sea, um, I mean the ocean.”
“Oh,” Emma called after them, “and watch out for flying monkeys!”
Ariel looked anxiously above her as she offered a nervous wave of acknowledgement.
Emma grabbed Regina by one arm and dragged her away from the townsfolk. She glared at her with an incredulous look upon her face before stating: “What. The. Fuck.”
“Emma, I…” she began, but was suddenly at a loss for words.
“What? Nothing more to say about my pussy in front of our son and the entire town?!”
Regina’s eyes lit up.
“It’s an enchantment! Someone’s cast a spell on me!”
“Not a spell,” Emma began thoughtfully. “I remember when Cora had Aurora’s heart. She made her do things… say things. I think you’ve been punked.”
“What? You mean Robin? No way! He’s an idiot!“
And you gave him your heart,” Emma smirked as she shook her head.
“He wouldn’t dare take advantage of that!” Emma rolled her eyes.
“Apparently he would.”
Regina grew enraged. “I’m going to kill him and his mangy Merry Men, too!” She disappeared in a cloud of purple.
__________
The Merry Men’s laugh fest was spoiled as Mulan walked through the door with Robin’s son in tow. She caught them talking into Regina’s heart.
“What’s going on here?!” she demanded.
“Just a harmless little bit of fun,” Will informed her. “No need to get your panties in a bunch!”
“Roland!” Robin called out as the young boy jumped into his arms.
“I can’t leave you guys alone for a second! This is not funny,” Mulan protested. “Aurora had her heart stolen and was made to do horrible things. She could have died!”
“How is Aurora?” Robin changed the subject. “Any sign of her prince yet?”
“No. Nothing. But she is still hopeful that Phillip will appear in Storybrooke.”
“Oh, so sorry,” Robin smiled sympathetically. “Meanwhile, she has you.”
Mulan looked crestfallen for a moment. “I will protect her and the baby with my life.”
“I know you will,” Robin patted her arm.
Mulan’s demeanor changed as she glowered at the Merry Men.
“Tell me, whose heart is that?” she demanded.
“Regina’s,” they answered in unison, before breaking out into laughter again.
“You stole the Evil Queen’s heart?” she asked amazed.
“Actually,” Robin answered, “she gave it to me. And she prefers Regina.”
Mulan shook her head. “And you thought it wise to have a harmless bit of fun with it?”
She turned to Robin. “Dude, she’s going to kill you!”
Just then, the door exploded in a tornado of purple smoke. Robin quickly handed Roland to Mulan as Regina burst into the room. He held both hands up to her.
“Regina,” he smiled nervously.
Regina’s voice had a tone of eerie calm that sent chills down the spines of all assembled as she spoke.
“First you shoot arrows at me all day and now you play with my heart?”
“We were just having a little fun,” Robin explained. “You need to lighten up!”
“I’ll lighten up,” she declared as balls of fire formed in her hands.
Emma suddenly ran in behind her.
“Hey, why’d you disappear on me like that?” she complained breathlessly.
“I’m just about to teach these peons a lesson!” Regina smiled with wicked glee.
“Wait a minute, Regina,” Emma touched her shoulder and nodded towards Mulan and Roland. Regina extinguished her flames when she saw the child.
“Mulan,” Emma asked, “you weren’t a part of this, were you?”
“Of course not. I’ve only just arrived. I put an end to it.”
Emma glanced over to Much and noticed Regina’s heart in his hand.
“Give me that!” she ordered fiercely.
Much’s eyes grew wide as he froze in place. Emma marched over to him and snatched it from his grasp. As she felt Regina’s heart in her hands for the first time, a tingling sensation emanated from it and spread throughout her entire body. She was momentarily overcome by a clash of emotions: affection, desire, darkness and light. She felt light headed and almost passed out. Regina caught her by the elbow.
“Emma? What is it?”
Emma regained herself. She looked down at the glowing object in her hand.
“I’m okay,” she assured. “But look what they’ve done to your heart!”
“What?!” Regina asked anxiously.
“It’s all greasy and has fingerprints all over it!,” Emma lamented sadly.
“I can fix that,” Regina smiled as she waved her hand over her heart and erased any trace of smudges.
“Promise me,” Emma eyed her sincerely, “I am the only one who holds your heart from now on.”
“How could I deny such a request?”
“Cross your heart?” Emma smiled.
Regina began to make a cross sign over her chest. “Oops,” she returned the blonde’s smile as she fingered a tiny cross upon her heart in Emma’s hand.
“I knew it all along,” Will smirked with disdain. “The Evil Queen and the Savior… together at last.”
“Shut up!” Emma yelled. “She trusted you to keep this safe and you repaid her with ridicule!”
“It was inappropriate,” Robin relented. “I apologize profusely.”
“And you!” Emma took a few steps towards him. “Stay away from her! Her heart belongs to me now and I don’t care what Tinkerbelle says!”
“Tinkerbelle?” The Merry Men looked at each other and could scarcely hide their amusement.
“Wow, is everything a joke to you guys?” Mulan questioned.
“Hence the moniker Merry Men,” Robin offered in a lilting voice. “It’s better than the alternative: morose dwelling on a painful past and uncertain future. I think we do quite well considering the circumstances!”
“You don’t have to stay with these jokers, Mulan,” Emma suggested.
“For better or worse,” Mulan began. “They have become like brothers to me. Besides, Aurora is not far from here and I have sworn to protect her. But, if you ever need me, I will be there!”
“Good to know,” Emma acknowledged. “Let’s get out of here, Regina. This place reeks.”
__________
Regina and Emma paused by Emma’s car.
“You need to replace this in your chest.” Emma held her heart out to her.
“There are so many reasons not to do that,” Regina replied.
“Like?”
“Like then Zelena will know just where to find it, for one!”
“You can do a spell, like the one you did to protect Henry’s heart,” Emma said.
“That’s the other reason,” Regina sighed.
Emma puzzled for a moment.
“Henry?” she asked.
“If I put my heart back, it will only hurt more. I can’t deal with the sadness it brings me that Henry doesn’t know me.”
“Look, Regina, we all have to deal with sorrow in our lives. It’s temporary. Woman-up, for crying out loud! We put your heart back, we protect it with a spell, we defeat Zelena and reverse the curse. That’s the plan! No arguments!”
“I can’t seal my own heart with a spell. Someone else has to do it.”
“God, I hate magic sometimes,” Emma shook her head. “Okay, so teach me!”
“It’s not that easy. You have to feel unconditional love to enact the spell. I hardly think you love me in that way.”
“Geezus, woman!” Emma was upset. “After everything you’ve put me through, everything you’ve done to me and my family: I’m still here holding your heart. If that’s not true love, then I don’t know what is!”
“If we do this, then we’ll know for sure,” Regina spoke softly. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that, whichever way it turns out.”
Emma rolled her eyes.
“You’re such an emotional basket case! We’re doing this now!”
She pressed Regina’s heart into her hands and then moved her hands to her chest.
“Do it, Regina!” she commanded.
Regina did as ordered and replaced her heart. An immediate wave of sorrow washed over her as tears welled-up in her eyes. Emma pulled her into an embrace and held her.
“Now,” she placed her forehead against Regina’s, “teach me the spell.”
Regina took Emma’s hand and pressed it against her chest as she whispered the spell into her ear. Emma’s hand lit up as she concentrated, trying to enact the spell.
“Oh!” Regina complained.
“What is it?” Emma asked. “It stings a little,” Regina offered her a weak smile.
Emma kissed her lips gently.
“It’s good to have you back in one piece,” she smiled as she kissed her again.
“Isn’t this a pretty sight,” Zelena strolled in their direction.
Both women were startled as they turned towards her. She smiled at them wickedly.
“Oh, by all means, don’t let me interrupt!” she continued.
“What do you want, Sparky?” Regina scowled.
“You know what I want.”
Suddenly, Zelena reached for her heart. A golden light repelled her hand instantly.
“Damn, first the Ruby Slippers, now this!”
Regina was jolted and stumbled back against Emma’s car.
“You’ve got no power here!” Emma stated boldly as she helped Regina.
Zelena raised her hand and flipped Emma through the air and away from Regina.
“Amateur,” she scoffed.
Regina halted her approach with magic of her own.
“Get out of here,” she hissed, “before I drop a house on you!”
The two women were at a standoff before Zelena relented.
“This isn’t over, Sister,” she sneered. “Your friend’s little love spell protecting your heart only makes it more difficult. But, I will have it!”
As she disappeared with her usual flurry of green smoke, Regina ran to Emma.
“Are you all right?”
“Yeah. Just a little dusty, is all,” Emma replied as she brushed twigs and dirt off her clothes.
“So,” she looked at Regina with an expectant smile. “I guess the spell worked. You know what that means.”
“It means you’re getting better at magic. That I’m a good teacher.”
They walked together back towards the yellow VW.
“And?” Emma persisted.
As each woman walked to opposite sides of the car, Regina opened the door on the passenger side and slid into the seat.
“And it means you’re my true…”
She stopped suddenly.
“Emma?”
Emma did not get in the car. Regina jumped out. She looked around desperately. She was nowhere to be seen, as if she had vanished into thin air!
“Emma!”